


A Re-Read of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

by AuthorByNight



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Book 3: Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Nostalgia, Other, Recap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-13
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-14 10:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4561296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthorByNight/pseuds/AuthorByNight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A former Marauder fangirl re-reads the third Harry Potter book from a (slightly) more removed perspective, while also looking back at the insanity of the Harry Potter fandom.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapters 1 & 2

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally posted on Livejournal almost two years ago, although it's since been edited ever so slightly.

Back in 1999, when I was a teenager, I read the first two Harry Potter books. I realized I was dealing with something special. Even so, I saw the books as “cute” with darker moments more than anything else. 

Then there was Prisoner of Azkaban, where Harry's aunt calls his dead mother a bitch and he has memories of his parents being murdered. He later finds out the murderer was framed in a horrible twist of irony. Suffice to say, PoA rang very true to me in a way the first two books didn't.

I discovered fandom about a year later; after that, I loved PoA because it had "MWPP" (Moony Wormtail Padfoot and Prongs), more specifically Remus and Sirius. I had a huge fangirl crush on Remus, and while I always thought Sirius was a bit screwed up and wasn't remotely surprised by OoTP, I liked his character too. I loved the story of MWPP altogether, of course - it was just so tragic, this group of best friends torn apart by war. One of them a misunderstood werewolf, the other a misunderstood criminals. I was also going through my emo phase, meaning I'd re-read PoA and write terrible Marauder fanfic with Sarah McLachlan in the background.

But that time has passed, and the books have come and gone. When I re-read PoA back in the day. it was always with fandom lenses. In other words, skipping most of the trio parts (except anything with the slightest hint of Ron/Hermione) and going straight for the MWPP goodness. Although I'm not completely removed from fandom, I still dabble in fanfic and so forth, I do want to take a fresher look at _Prisoner of Azkaban,_ particularly the parallels to the Marauders and how it sets up the rest of the series.

However, I will warn you - I used a Time Turner and went back to 2002. A fangirl, who I will call FFP (Fan of Fangirls Past) came back with me, and refuses to let me return her to her own time. She'll probably chime in more when Remus shows up; again, you have been warned.

**Chapter 1: Owl Post**

In this chapter, we learn that Harry is "highly unusual" because he hates summer and wants to do his homework. He can't do his homework (since the Dursleys forbid it), and has a lot. Although I'm glad he's upholding such a great example for the kiddos reading this, I'm willing to bet most of his classmates do at least half of it on the train ride back. He's reading about witch burnings, which were apparently "completely pointless" because they would just use flame freezing charms. (We do later learn that they had other methods of executing witches and wizards, but either JKR hadn't yet decided that, or Harry's teachers are being fair by not making him write about every single form of witch torture.)

I find it interesting that from the start, we're presented with the idea of fooling authority. Harry is doing his assignment in the dark so his aunt and uncle don't catch him. His assignment is on a witch, Wendelin the Weird, who tricked authority into thinking they'd successfully killed her but had evaded them. The idea of authority being equally stifling and easy to fool is one of the major  themes in this book, and right off bat, we're told - the person in a position of authority you may have only the incentive of power, not justice. At the same time, they can and have been duped.

Ron has tried to contact Harry, but did so by screaming, as he didn't know how to use a phone. Apparently Ron never caught onto the fact that mentioning Hogwarts was a bad idea, either. Ron... has Harry never ever mentioned how much his aunt and uncle hate magic? Harry got in trouble and never heard from Ron after that, probably because Vernon hollered at the kid and scarred him for life.

Harry reflects on his shitty life, which has moments of brilliance, and rehashes the past two books for us. This almost makes me think of The Baby-Sitter's Club or Sweet Valley High...

_Voldemort and Harry were as different as night and day, but connected by the fact that Voldemort killed Harry's parents, but couldn't kill Harry. He gave him a scar. Hermione and Ron were also a different as night and day; Ron was fun but poor, his clothes long and oversized. Hermione was smart but bossy, and had bushy hair..._

Just saying.

Hedwig is heading towards his window with what we'd learn are two Weasley owls and a Hogwarts owl. They bring letters, news clippings, cards and a gift from Hagrid. We learn from the Daily Prophet that the Weasleys won money, and and used it to go to Egypt. There is a picture of them, and Ron conveniently has his "rat" on his shoulder. Foreshadowing!

FFP: OMG PETER! That traitor. Although I'm sure he had his reasons. TRAITOR.

Ron has added a letter, apologizing for the phone call. He's happy because he's also going to get a new wand. We get an explanation as to why Ron didn't have one, and I realized I remembered it all wrong. I thought Ron's damaged was the result of cursing Draco after calling Hermione a mudblood, but it was the Ford Anglia crashing into the Whomping Willow. (Which we are reminded of here, conveniently enough.) Ron's wand being defunct was why he ended up barfing slugs. See, there _are_ things I don't remember or only half remember! This is fun. If scary how quickly I was able to jump to the "right" canon moment. I really didn't have a life in high school.

Ron has also sent a "sneakscope", which I'd half remembered; it's supposed to warn you about untrustworthy people. "Bill says it's rubbish sold for wizard tourists and isn't reliable, because it kept lighting up at dinner last night. But he didn't realize Fred and George had put beetles in his soup."

Hermine has written that she was in France, and learned a lot of local history. This is why I love Hermione, even if I'm not so sure I'd love her in real life. Much to Harry's surprise, Hermione got him a a broomstick kit. Don't worry Harry, two books from now you'll get the annoyingly patronizing "educational" book you were expecting. Harry thinks about his precious Nimbus Two Thousand. Just wait 'till you get your Firebolt.

Hagrid's present is a book that bites - "The Monster Book of Monsters." Hagrid. Fire breathing dragons in a wooden house? Giant spiders? Bad idea, but okay, you're doofy. But books that actually hurt children? Uhhh...

McGonagall has sent Harry a permission slip for Hogsmeade, which of course never gets signed.

The chapter ends with Harry being happy for the first time ever that it's his birthday. Yay-ouch?

 

**Chapter Two: Aunt Marge's Big Mistake**

(Because she blows up. See what JKR did there? See it? See it?)

Everyone ignores Harry as he comes down for breakfast. The reporter on television is talking about Sirius, saying that he's "armed." I love how we get the hint that some muggle authorities know of the wizarding world. Vernon says there's "no need to tell us he's no good," because his hair looks bad. *Facepalm* The news report then starts talking about something else, which annoys Vernon. I have to admit this annoys me too.

News Reporter: Yesterday at K-Mart, two costumed clowns got into a fight with circus props over who was the real Bozo. In other news, the sky is still blue-

Me: WAIT!!!!

Petunia peers out her window, as if to spot him in the beans or the flowers. This is meant to be a comic moment, but a while ago a friend and I actually came to the realization that knowing JKR, Sirius probably really was in the garden somewhere. Think about it.

Vernon has to go because he's picking up Aunt Marge. This horrifies Harry; she's Vernon's sister, has mean bulldogs she breeds herself, and has whacked Harry and given the kid dog biscuits. What the hell happened in Vernon and Marge's childhood? What did their parents do to them that it was okay to keep a kid in a cupboard and feed him pet food?

Harry is told that he has to be civil, and cannot tell Marge about his "abnormality." He's also to pretend he goes to a school for criminal children. Snape would like that. Filch too, actually. Harry asks Vernon to sign his permission slip, which of course Vernon doesn't want to do. He coolly points out that he could "let something slip", which is some Sirius Blackmail, Harry. Vernon threatens to beat Harry up if he does, but Harry just points out it won't make Aunt Marge forget. Harry promises to act normal as long as Vernon signs the permission slip. Vernon says he'll only do it if Harry behaves. 

Harry tells Hedwig she has to go with Errol to the Weasleys. Harry watches the owls fly symbolically out of his window as he is forced to return to his repressed existence.

Aunt Marge roars for "Dudders", her "neffy-poo." . Harry and I both know Dudley is miserable, but apparently Aunt Marge pays him? "Dudley had a crisp twenty-pound note in his fat fist."

In HBP Dumbledore points out that Dudley has been mistreated, and I think this is actually one example. He is being smothered by someone who pays him to put up with it, and someone is paying him to pretend he wants over the top affection. What has Dudley learned from this? That human value comes in money? That's actually incredibly sad and disturbing.

Aunt Marge has only brought one dog, Ripper, which is drooling on Petunia's "clean floor." She asks where the other dogs; some Colonel Fubster is managing them. Ripper growls when Harry sits, and Aunt Marge is offended by Harry saying  
"yes" to her. She goes on to tell him that she would've put him in an orphanage, and asks if he gets the cane at St. Brutus's. (Another traitor reference. Interesting.

Life with Aunt Marge is even more miserable, and to top it off, she keeps saying things about his family at meals. She really does it one night:

_"It's one of the basic rules of breeding," she said. "You see it all the time with dogs. If there's something wrong with the bitch, there'll be something wrong with the pup-"_

It's obvious Aunt Marge has never been married, because otherwise she'd know you _don't_ call a guy's mum a bitch.

Harry regresses to involuntary wandless magic (or maybe it's the Voldie inside him), and Aunt Marge's wineglass explodes. She figures it's just because she 'squeezed it too hard," and she "did the same thing at Colonel Fubster's the other day."

Harry tries to calm himself down, because he knows underage magic could get him expelled. Except he didn't do it with his wand. He just... did it. Which brings to mind a question - why aren't bad things always happening, if wizards can lose control that easily? Is it because Harry hasn't been able to use regular magic, so he regressed? Is he still learning to control it? Or is it the Horcrux?

On the final night, Aunt Marge has a brandy when she's already drunk. Great idea. Aunt Marge continues to insult Harry, and goes on about bad blood and how Lily must have been a bad egg, which is nothing short of a quick save since Lily was Petunia's sister. Vernon says that James didn't work, and as Aunt Marge is based on Margaret Thatcher, this gets her set on another rant. Harry tells her to shove it, and they begin to argue back and forth.

And then it happens: Aunt Marge blows up into a balloon, literally flying around the room. Harry pretty much tells his family to go to hell and leaves with his things. 

This a very powerful moment for Harry: Previously he's had help getting away from the Dursleys. He's older now, and has to do it on his own this time. There is no Hagrid or Ford Anglia to get him out of this one. He's well on his way to fighting alone.

_Next installment: Who let the dogs out?_


	2. Chapters 3&4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize that the chapters listed by Ao3 look a little clunky, as I'm recapping two chapters at a time. If anyone knows how to fix this, let me know.

**Chapter Three: The Knight Bus**

Harry realizes the full scope of the situation. He's got nowhere to run, and he thinks that he's most likely been expelled from Hogwarts. After trying to keep his thoughts straight, he realizes he might be able to disguise his trunk and fly to London. He goes to get his Invisibility Cloak, but realizes that he's being watched by something big that has gleaming eyes.

Harry accidentally summons the Knight Bus, and we meet Stan Shunpike. He asks why Harry was sitting on the ground, and Harry says he fell, which Stan finds hilarious. Harry tells Stan there was something "like a dog, but massive", but Stan is staring at his scar. Harry quickly says his name is Neville Longbottom.

Somehow the Knight Bus ends up in Wales, even though Harry was trying to get to London. From Surrey. I guess if you're magic, bus routes don't need to make sense. (Of course, some could argue they don't make much sense anyway.) Stan has to wake up a Madam Marsh (who I believe was in the fifth book as well), who looks extremely carsick. 

Sirius is in The Daily Prophet, which surprises Harry as he'd only seen him on the muggle news. The Prophet describes a gun as "a kind of metal wand that Muggles use to kill each other." That's... depressingly accurate. Of course Sirius doesn't really have one, but that's what muggles have been told. We learn, of course, that Sirius killed thirteen people with a single curse. (Of course we find out that's not true, but for the purposes of simple recap, we'll go with what the book says.) Harry thinks that Sirius looks just like a vampire because of how gaunt and pale he is. So I'm guessing vampires aren't sexy in the HP 'verse.

Ernie explains that Sirius was a big supporter of You-Know-Who, though he says "You-Know-'Oo" because JKR loves writing regional accents. Thank God she never gives Seamus an Irish accent.

Harry says "Voldemort", which of course causes panic. We learn the Ballad of Sirius, and Harry is understandably horrified. He then wonders whether or not they'll ever be talking about him down the line. Harry imagines this conversation: "'Ear about that 'Arry Potter? Blew up 'is aunt! We 'ad 'im 'here on the Knight Bus, di'n't we, Ern? 'E was tryin' to run for it..." Which is very interesting. Harry isn't trying to sympathize with Sirius, of course, but he does know how it feels to be the possible subject of dismay. It is also a distortion of what really happened - Harry actually did blow up his aunt, but there was still more to the story, as there was with Sirius's - if on a much, much larger scale. Perhaps being the convict doesn't make you the bad guy.

Harry finally ends up at his intended destination, and a voice says "There you are, Harry." Stan and Ernie realize they've been driving Harry Potter, and Harry realizes the Minister for Magic (Minister of Magic in the American edition I'm reading) is waiting for him.

Dun dun _dun_.

Fudge takes Harry to The Leaky Cauldron, and introduces himself properly. Is the wizarding world so repressed that its own inhabitants don't recognize their Minister? Creepy. (Harry does recognize him, but plays dumb.) Fudge offers Harry tea and crumpets, assuring him that "Marjorie Dursley" will be fine and has been obliviated. Harry isn't sure why he's not in more trouble, but Fudge continues to talk about Harry's family, having no idea that the kid might be worried that he's in trouble for, you know, blowing someone up.

Harry asks why he's not being punished. Fudge acts like Harry stepped on a bug and hand-waves it as a minor accident. "We don't send people to Azkaban just for blowing up their aunts!" Not _now_ , you don't...

Harry isn't buying it, but is pooh-pooh'd more. He's then bought off with a free room and told to stay in Diagon Alley. Harry asks if the Minister can sign his permission slip. I can't tell if this is a mark of how young he still is - it makes me think of when kids will write the Mayor asking them to do their Social Studies homework for them - or if he's tuned into the fact that Fudge seems more than eager to please him, and willing to take advantage of that.

It's funny because before book five, I didn't really like Harry. Yes, you read that right - in the book that made most people hate Harry, I liked him more because I felt he was finally showing really responding to the screwed up world around him. But he's already doing that here. He DOES notice things, and he IS going to play the system.

Hedwig is already in Harry's room, having found him five minutes after Harry arrived. Aw. Harry strokes Hedwig and says, "It's been a very weird night, Hedwig." You think?

 

**Chapter Four: The Leaky Cauldron**

Harry is enjoying his freedom, which includes watching dwarves and hags, as well as exploring shops at Diagon Alley and eating under umbrellas outside cafes. I have to admit, the last part doesn't fit my image of DA at all - I'd always seen it as a very Victorian-esque village, but the image she describes sounds quite modern. On the other hand, I like the juxtaposition. Harry goes into Quality Quidditch Supplies one day, and spots the Firebolt, which is supposed to be state of the art and incredibly fast. Harry doesn't want to spend the money, so he just goes by it every day, staring at it sadly. Aww.

Harry also learns that the Monster Book of Monsters is a required book for Care of Magical Creatures. Harry is relieved because he'd been worried that Hagrid had "wanted help with some terrifying new pet." Little does he know...

Harry then sees another book, one about death omens. The cover has a picture of a Grim, which Harry realizes looks just like the dog he saw. He keeps telling himself that it was just a coincidence, but later, when trying to fix his hair, the mirror remarks that he's fighting a losing battle. Which also refers to his insistence that he's not in danger.

A few days pass, and while Harry sees various classmates, it isn't until the last day that he sees the people he really wants to see: Ron and Hermione, who are sitting together eating ice cream. Apparently they've been looking for him as much as the reverse. Arthur knew where Harry was because he works for the Ministry. Hermione is offended that Harry blew up his aunt, whereas Ron finds it a laugh riot.

The Weasleys and Hermione are staying at The Leaky Cauldron, so the trio all get to go to King's Cross together. Yay. Hermione talks about all of the classes she's taking, including Muggle Studies (even though, as Ron points out, she's muggle-born) because "it'll be fascinating to study them from the Wizarding point of view." I always wondered whether or not that class was actually a little patronizing. Given the wizarding view of muggles, I'm not sure I'd want to take it. 

Hermione's parents also gave her money to get herself a birthday present, so she's trying to decide what to buy herself. Isn't that something grandparents and distant aunts do, not parents? 

Ron takes Scabbers to the Magical Menagerie, where we learn wizards keep the following as pets: Purple toads, poisonous orange snails, rabbits that turn into top hats (ha!), ravens, and black rats that skip. We learn that Scabbers is "quite old" (foreshadowing!) has a toe missing from his front paw (everybody - _foreshadowing_!), and has no powers. The witch at the counter informs Ron that garden rats don't usually live more than three years.

Ron's given some tonic, but before they can leave, a huge orange cat tries to eat Scabbers. (And we've met Crookshanks.) Scabbers runs out the door, Harry and Ron behind him. Naturally Hermione soon follows them, with Crookshanks in tow. She insists that Crookshanks didn't mean to hurt anyone.

The trio joins Arthur, and Harry sees he was reading about Sirius in the paper. Ron asks if they'd get a reward for catching him. Arthur tells him that "Black's not going to be caught by a thirteen- year-old wizard." Really, Arthur? Where have you _been_ the past two years? Stopping bad guys/three headed dogs/basilisks is kind of their thing now.

Ginny shows up with the others and goes red at the sight of Harry, muttering a greeting. 

FFP: Aww, Orange Crush!

Me: ... and I _just_ got the ship name now.

Percy is very pleased with having been appointed Head Boy, and greets in a rather standoffish manner. Harry remarks that "it was rather like being introduced to the mayor." The twins make fun of Percy, but of course Molly just emphasizes that Percy got the Head Boy badge. Percy reminds me of Wesley in the third season of Buffy. "Hello, Buffy. My name is Percival Ignatius Weasley, and I am your new Watcher." Molly points out that the twins haven't been made Prefect, and George is offended by the idea. (Interestingly, Fred remains mum on the subject.) 

Molly insists that Ginny needs a better example. No mention is made of Ron. Poor Ron... poor everyone, really. Could you imagine if Percy had been The Boy Who Lived?

Molly: Why can't you be more like Percy? He survived You-Know-Who!

Everyone but Percy: ...

Tom hosts the Weasleys and friends to a dinner of five courses. Did Arthur do Tom a favor or something? That sounds rather excessive. The Ministry is providing cars, and George says it's for Percy, with flags that have "HB" on them. Fred adds that "HB" stands for Humongous Bighead. Molly says it's because of all their luggage. Percy takes the opportunity to mention that Ron dumped his things on Percy's bed. No one likes a tattle-tale, Percy.

When everyone goes to bed, Percy and Ron get into an argument. It seems Percy's Head Boy badge has disappeared, as has Scabber's rat tonic. Harry heads downstairs to see if it's there when he overhears the Weasleys talking. To keep it short:

Arthur: Yeah, we've kinda got to tell him. (Wait, someone has common sense here?)

Molly: But he'll be scared! (As opposed to if the guy starts chasing him and Harry has no idea why?)

Arthur: He could've been killed!

Molly: But he wasn't!

Arthur: But he could be!

Molly: He won't be!

Arthur: He could be!

Molly: *Drops the bombshell* Do we even know he's really after Harry?

They go on like this for a while. Harry grabs the tonic, learns from the twins that they changed Percy's badge to "Bighead Boy", and lays in his bed. He realizes he'd be more scared if he wasn't with Molly in that Hogwarts is safe because of Dumbledore. I miss when Harry actually had reasons to trust Dumbledore, even if Dumbledore was more interesting when he became morally ambiguous.

Harry also figures the Azkaban guards would be helpful. (That won't last long.) Harry's more annoyed that they thought him incapable of looking after himself, since he has escaped Voldemort three times. Harry then remembers the beast, but just tells himself he's not going to be murdered. The mirror chimes in, "that's the spirit, dear." 

 

_Next time: Just who are these Azkaban guards, and why are they the ultimate Debbie Downers?_


	3. Chapters 5 & 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just who are these Azkaban guards, and why are they the ultimate Debbie Downers?

**Chapter Five: The Dementor**

Ron is being nagged by Percy because he dripped tea on his photo of Penelope Clearwater. (Whatever happened to her, anyway?) Harry wants to tell Ron and Hermione what he's heard, but doesn't get a chance because they're trying to leave. Hermione feels bad that Crookshanks doesn't like being in a basket, and Ron snaps that he's more worried about Scabbers. Here we go.

Arthur says they should go onto Platform 9 3/4 in pairs, and goes with Harry. When they get on, Penelope is in sight; Percy smooths his hair and goes pink. Harry and Ginny exchange a look and laugh at him.

Molly hugs everyone, giving Harry an extra hug, which both embarrasses and pleases him. Arthur pulls Harry aside to talk to him, and Harry cuts to the chase and says he overheard the conversation. He assures Arthur that he isn't scared, because "Sirius Black can't be worse than Voldemort, can he?"

Arthur asks Harry to swear he won't "go looking for Black," no matter what happens or what Harry might hear. Harry is very confused by this.

Here's a question: How does Arthur know just what Harry might hear? We learn in a later chapter that Sirius's alleged betrayal of the Potters wasn't widely known. Although it's possible Molly and Arthur were in the Order the first time around, I always got the impression they only joined in OoTP. Arthur does work for the Ministry of Magic, but it's implied he's pretty low on the totem poll there. Did Dumbledore tell Arthur, then, knowing he and Molly had essentially become Harry's guardians? Did Fudge, for the same reason? Or is this just a book and we need to accept Arthur knows for plot purposes?

Harry tells Ron and Hermione they need to talk. They can't find any empty compartments, but they do find one with just one person in it -

FFP: OMG!!!

Of course we know it's Remus, who is wearing shabby clothes and looks ill. Despite being young, his hair has gray in it.

Ron asks Hermione if she knows who he is; his name, R.J. Lupin, is on his case.

FFP: But what does the J stand for?! Julius? Jupiter? Jocastus?

Me: John.

FFP: ... that's boring.

They figure out that he's the new DADA Professor as there's "only one vacancy." Ron hopes he's up to it, as "he looks like one good hex would finish him off." 

They then turn the conversation to Sirius being after Harry. For all he's nonchalant about this, Ron and Hermione are disturbed. Hermione asks him not to look for trouble, and Harry says that "trouble usually finds me." The line that would show up in hundreds of forum signatures across the Pottersphere.

I'm not sure why Harry's being nonchalant about this, and perhaps that is what bothered me when I read it the first ten million times. Is he in denial or trying to be brave about it? Or has he already gotten a bit over his head? I'm not really sure. My guess is that it's a bit of all of those things. 

The Sneakscope starts whistling, and when Ron pulls it out, it's glowing. Ron says that it's not perfect, having gone haywire while sending it to Harry. Of course, he adds, he WAS using Errol without permission. Ron suggests they get it checked in Hogsmeade, because Fred and George told him about a store, and Hermione geeks out about how it's the only entirely non-muggle settlement in Britain. As per usual, I'm with Hermione. Ron brushes it off, saying he just wants to go to Honeydukes.

Ron and Hermione begin to talk excitedly, which makes me think of One Short Day from Wicked. Forgive the filking.

Hermione: There's lots of old school sorcery

Ron: There's Pepper Imps

Hermione: Goblin history

Ron: Sugar quills and sherbert balls

Hermione: The oldest town that I've ever seen

Ron: Enough trivia

Hermione: Don't be mean!

Harry: No one will sign my permission slip!

This horrifies Ron and Hermione, and they debate whether or not Harry should sneak to Hogsmeade. Ron naively suggests that Sirius wouldn't dare hurt Harry if they were with him, which Hermione dismisses as rubbish. Harry is not asked what HE thinks HE should do. Apparently Harry's friends make all of his decisions for him.

Hermione lets Crookshanks out, and Crookshanks jumps on Ron; Scabbers trembles and Ron pushes Crookshanks, telling him to leave. Hermione tells Ron not to, which is a mild reaction for a pet owner. You do NOT push my cat.

Remus stirs, but then keeps sleeping. How on earth does he manage that? He must have been in dire need of sleep.

The food cart witch comes, and not even that wakes Remus up. Ron is worried that he's dead, but Hermione assures everyone that he's still breathing. 

Draco and his "cronies", Crabbe and Goyle, saunter into the compartment. Draco calls Harry and Ron "Potty and the Weasel" and asks Ron if his mother died of shock from earning money. Draco, did you not learn from Aunt Marge? Don't insult a man's mother. Ron gets up ready for a fight, and Harry holds him back. Remus lets out a snort, and Draco realizes there's a Grown Up in the Room. He leads his friends out.

Had enough Mean Wizards? Yeah, me too. Fortunately, things are about to get more interesting.

The rain gets worse as they head closer towards Hogwarts; the train starts to slow down, and then comes to a complete stop, so fast that luggage falls out of racks. The lamps go out, and "they were plunged into total darkness."

People are moving, but nobody can see where they're going. The compartment door opens, and someone falls over Harry's legs. Harry says, "Hullo, Neville" and helps him up. Hehe, aww. Don't worry, Neville, you'll be awesome soon enough. Ginny comes into the compartment soon after, and there's more confusion and chaos.

A voice tells them to be quiet, and Remus has finally woken up. (Wow, he's a deep sleeper.) Remus tells the kids to stay where they are as he holds fire in front of him. However, the door opens before Remus can do his fire trick. The Return of the Dementor!

_Standing in the doorway, illuminated by the shivering flames in Lupin's hand, was a cloaked figure that towered to the ceiling. Its face was completely hidden beneath its hood. Harry's eyes darted downward, and what he saw made his stomach contract. There was a hand protruding from the cloak and it was glistening, grayish, slimy-looking, and scabbed, like something dead that had decayed in water..._

Yikes!

Harry feels an intense cold. He can't see, and feels as though he's drowning. He can hear roaring, then "terrible, terrified, pleading screams."

Harry wakes up to his face being slapped. The Hogwarts Express is moving again, as though nothing had happened. Ron and Hermione are next to him, with Neville and Remus standing above staring. Harry asks who screamed, and Ron looks confused because no one screamed. He notes that Neville and Ginny both look very pale.

Remus hands Harry chocolate (ah, THAT iconic fandom moment), and explains that they'd been visited by a dementor. He urges Harry to eat the chocolate and then goes to "speak to the driver." More like ask why the hell it seemed appropriate to let a Dementor on the train with a bunch of kids... couldn't they have had an Auror do a search? Or had JKR not thought up Aurors yet? Maybe the Dementors just showed up without warning.

Harry asks what happened. In short, Harry started to twitch, and Remus told the Dementor that “none of us are hiding Sirius Black under our cloaks.”

FFP: Was he... angry?

Me: … oh, yes, totally. He ripped off his shirt to reveal huge muscles and punched the Dementor in the face. Then he cried about it with an Indigo Girls song in the background.

FFP: ... I think that was in a fanfic I read.

Me: *Headdesk*

Neville and Ron talk about how cold it was, but don’t imply having remembered or heard anything specific. Ginny doesn’t say anything, but she does cry, which makes me wonder if she did in fact remember something. After all, she was possessed by Voldemort just a few months before.

Harry asks if anyone else fell or fainted, and of course nobody did (to his knowledge). Harry ponders: Harry didn’t understand. He felt weak and shivery, as though he were recovering from a bad bout of flu; he also felt the beginnings of shame. Why had he gone to pieces like that, when no one else had?

Let’s get serious here. JK Rowling has stated that Dementors were based on her experience with depression, and I think you can really see it here. Harry experienced something that shook everyone up, but his reaction was more severe – so much that he is ashamed of and confused by it. This is a very dark illustration of depression and other mental health issues. It also makes me hate the Ministry of Magic a little more. (Seriously, if there’s a Wizarding UN you’d think they’d have the Ministry down for a whole lot of human rights violations. Now I want to read that fanfic.)

Remus comes back, and with a “small smile” tells everyone that the chocolate hasn’t been poisoned. Harry is surprised at how much it comforts him. It’s true; chocolate is very comforting.

No one talks much until they get to Hogsmeade. Hagrid calls out to the trio as he leads “terrified first years” to the castle. And I just had a moment of horror… could you imagine a muggleborn eleven year old having Dementors as his or her first introduction to the wizarding world? 

When they get to the castle, Draco teases Harry for fainting, saying that’s what “Longbottom” told him. I was always a bit confused by this, seeing as Neville doesn’t seem like someone who’d divulge that, so the most I can surmise is that Neville was tricked into telling. Maybe Draco threatened to throw Trevor in the lake; I wouldn’t put it past him. 

When Ron stands up for Harry, Draco turns onto him… and here we go, more Mean Wizards. I can almost here Draco going, “get in, loser. We’re going shopping.” Remus cuts Draco off with an innocent “is there a problem?” and they all head inside.

McGonagall shouts that she wants to see Harry and Hermione immediately.

Harry and Hermione turned around, surprised. Professor McGonagall, Transfiguration teacher and head of Gryffindor House, was calling over the heads of the crowd. She was a stern-looking witch who wore her hair in a tight bun; her sharp eyes were framed with square spectacles. Harry fought his way over to her with a feeling of foreboding: Professor McGonagall had a way of making him feel he must have done something wrong.

Harry's perception of McGonagall definitely changes throughout the series. Our Minerva's very much the teacher you initially kind of thought had it in for you, but you slowly began to realize she really did just want you to live up to your potential. I think the audience gets it long before the trio does (or at least Harry and Ron, she’s probably Hermione’s idol) – after all, McGonagall did put Harry on the Quidditch team instead of giving him detention for flying underage in what, the fifth chapter of the first book?

McGonagall explains that she’d  heard Harry had taken ill, which is when Madame Pomfrey runs in. Harry says he’s fine, but that doesn’t stop Madame Pomfrey for talking about how Dementors and the like especially hurt people who are “already delicate.” Because that is the first thing you say to someone who suffered a breakdown – except sometimes, it is. JKR gets it.

Long worrying short, Harry is dismissed, but McGonagall asks Hermione to stay so they can go over her schedule. Foreshadowing!

For the sake of being silly, I will imagine the conversation.

McGonagall: Miss Granger, you’re going to time travel so you can fit in all of your courses.

Hermione: Like in Doctor Who!

McGonagall: What’s that?

Hermione: A muggle show my Mum and I used to watch. I normally raise myself above science fiction, but that’s not the point - do I get my own police box?

McGonagall: …

But here’s my only issue with this subplot – why would McGonagall just hand a Time Turner to a teenage girl? Yes, she’s smart for her age, and obviously we needed it for the plot, but it seems rather risky, letting a girl toy around with time in order to take extra courses. Maybe this was more of a fantasy on JKR’s part – I have a few overachiever friends who did take about eight classes at once, and I’m sure they wished they could have a time turner themselves. Perhaps JKR had the same predicament at some point in school, so it’s something she wishes she'd had. Or it's a plot hole. Or it's just a book.

Harry and Hermione realize that they’ve missed the Sorting; even worse, everyone seems to know Harry fainted because they’re all staring at him.

The speech Dumbledore gave amounts to, “don’t screw around with the Dementors, no one expects the Spanish Inquisition. “ He doesn’t look happy to be saying this. Given that we learn Dumbledore was willing to do some pretty ethically questionable things for the greater good (a mentality he never really shed himself of), the fact that he thinks having Dementors at Hogwarts is going too far really tells you something.

Dumbledore then introduces the new professors. First we have Remus, who receives “scattered, unenthusiastic applause” either because of how he’s dressed or because JKR loves to torture her alleged favorite characters. He is going to be the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, which most of you reading this already knew. 

FFP: I'll clap for you, Remus! 

Snape is staring at Remus, but out of loathing: Harry knew that expression only too well; it was the look Snape wore every time he set eyes on Harry. Foreshadowing!

And Harry decides he loves Remus because Snape hates him. 

We then learn that Hagrid has become the Care of Magical Creatures professor. There is more applause for him, and it’s “tumultuous” at the Gryffindor table. Wait – didn’t most people pretty much think Hagrid was the weird guy who lived in a hut? Or was that only when he became a professor and they started coming close to losing limbs? I just always figured the only students who really noticed Hagrid were the trio and Charlie Weasley, Charlie probably because he was a more collected and athletic version of Hagrid.

We’re reminded that Hagrid was arrested for a crime he hadn’t committed, and once again innocence versus guilt is brought up. If this is intentional, JKR’s good.

We go to the Common Room, and Neville’s reaction to the new password is “oh no!” Because he always forgets them. Oh, Neville… if the moment you’re told something you “know” you’ll forget it, you’re never going to remember anything. Have some happy chocolate.

We end the chapter with Harry looking around thinking about how he’s finally “home at last.”

 

**Chapter Six: Talons and Tea Leaves**

Ooh, we’re going to meet Trelawney!

When Harry gets to the Great Hall the next day, Draco and Pansy are making fun of Harry. Hermione tells Harry to “just ignore him.” Harry sits next to George, who asks him what’s wrong while giving him his schedule.  Fred and George inform the trio that Draco came running into their compartment and had “nearly wet himself,” and that the Dementors were horrible. Harry goes back to the fact that he fainted, and we learn that Arthur Weasley apparently had to “go out to Azkaban”, I guess for work. Isn’t it implied that he lost most of his family in the war? Poor Arthur.

Ron notices that Hermione’s schedule is messed up, and says that there “isn’t enough time.” Hermione says she’ll manage, and dismisses Ron’s protests impatiently.

Hagrid enters, swinging a dead polecat from his hand. He says the trio are in his first lesson, and can’t wait. The trio’s excitement turns into anxiety as they remember what Hagrid’s notorious for…

They head to Divination, but not before Draco pretends to faint again. Wait, this is the guy everyone compared to Spike from Buffy? Really? 

It takes seven staircases before they reach the North Tower. They don’t know quite where to go from there, until Harry notices a pony show up in the painting they’re by. A knight soon follows, covered in grass which implies he’d fallen off. The knight attempts bravery…

They watched in astonishment as the little knight tugged his sword out of its scabbard and began brandishing it violently, hopping up and down in rage. But the sword was too long for him; a particularly wild swing made him overbalance, and he landed facedown in the grass.

Harry asks the knight if he knows how to get to the North Tower, and the knight goes from angry to excited about the “quest.”

I won’t pretend to not know perfectly well that this is Sir Cadogan, though I’m scared that I remembered that. In any case, Sir Cadogan seems to be faking being a Knight, which makes me want his backstory. He was either a horrible Knight or wasn’t really a Knight at all, but thought he was out of delusion. (A/N: I wrote this before seeing the Pottermore backstory that he was indeed an actual knight.)

He gave the sword another fruitless tug, tried and failed to mount the fat pony , gave up, and cried, “On foot then, good sirs and gentle lady! On! On!”

And he ran, clanking loudly, into the left side of the frame and out of sight. They hurried after him along the corridor, following the sound of his armor. Every now and then they spotted him running through a picture ahead. “Be of stout heart , the worst is yet to come!” yelled the knight, and they saw him reappear in front of an alarmed group of women in crinolines, whose picture hung on the wall of a narrow spiral staircase.

He just seems to be trying too hard. And failing miserably. Ron says it best: “We’ll call you… if we ever need someone mental.”

When they get to Trelawney’s office, a silver ladder descends to their feet. They come to a very strange classroom – “a cross between someone’s attic and an old-fashioned tea-shop.” The tables are circular, the light is crimson (that would hurt my eyes, honestly), a fire is burning, and there could not possibly be more candles, crystal balls or teacups.

Trelawney greets them by saying she is glad to see them “in the physical world at last.” O… kay then. She reminds Harry of an insect, who looks nothing like Emma Thompson. Trelawney explains that they probably haven’t seen her before because the business of the school crowds her Inner Eye. Even Luna would find Trelawney a little “out to lunch,” I daresay.

Trelawney goes on to explain that books wouldn’t help with Divination, which appears to offend Hermione. Teal stag patronus short (please excuse the pun), having psychic powers is mostly a gift you have or don’t have, which makes me wonder what the grading rubric looks like.

Trelawney asks Neville if his grandmother’s well, and says maybe he shouldn’t be so sure. She tells Parvati to “beware a red-haired man” which Parvati takes to mean Ron, and she goes on to predict that "Unfortunately, classes will be disrupted in February by a nasty bout of flu. I myself will lose my voice. And around Easter, one of our number will leave us forever.” I’ve still never figured out whether or not that foreshadowed something… though now that I think of it, wouldn’t both Peter and Dobby have died around Easter in DH?

They get into pairs in order to look at one another’s tea leaves, but it doesn’t work so well, partly because the “smoke” is making Harry feel tired and stupid. Are we SURE that’s smoke?

 Let’s see what Harry and Ron have to say about their leaves, and whether or not it foreshadowed anything:

Ron’s Cup: A crooked sort of cross, meaning that he’ll have trials and suffering, something that could be the sun, and he’ll suffer but be happy. Hm. Well, he does destroy a Horcrux, which is what the cross could represent hypothetically, and the guy certainly does suffer but end up happy.

Harry’s: A bowler hat, though reversed it looks like an acorn, which means “unexpected gold.” Now we’re onto something; Harry encounters that a few times. Otherwise, I’ve got nothing.

Trelawney comes over and announces that Harry has a deadly enemy. To paraphrase her reaction…

Hermione: Well, no shit. Ever heard of You-Know-Who, you crazy bat?

Trelawney ignores her, continuing to analyze Harry’s cup into she screams. It’s The Grim, a “giant spectral dog”, an omen of death.

Harry feels sick as he remembers seeing “the dog” (who we all know was Sirius); Hermione and Seamus, meanwhile, don’t think it really looks like the Grim. Seamus says it looks more like a donkey from another angle. Harry lets out a snarky, ““When you’ve all finished deciding whether I’m going to die or not!” That shuts everyone up.

The petrified kids head to Transfiguration. Nobody reacts even after McGonagall demonstrates her animagus form, which makes McGonagall suspicious as normally people clap or at least look mildly impressed. They explain that the previous class was Divination…

McGonagall: Oh, of course. Who’s dying?

Everyone: …

We learn that death predictions are normal for Trelawney, and that McGonagall disapproves of Divination because “True Seers are rare.” Little does she know…

Saved by the bell! Except the prospect of being saved by anything is a bit, ah, grimmer when Ron asks if Harry had seen a grim. Harry admits that he did; Hermione chalks it up to bad luck, and when Ron points out that his Uncle Bilius died after seeing one, Hermione waves his family's tragic loss off as “coincidence.” She does bring up a good point that people probably see it and die of fright, though. 

 Ron and Hermione fight some more (shocking), and Ron finally says she’s just upset because “you don’t like being bad at something for a change!”

Ouch, Ron. Hermione storms off saying that Divination was “absolutely rubbish compared to my Arithmancy class!”, and Ron’s confused because she hadn’t actually been to Arithmancy yet.

When it’s time to go to Care of Magical Creatures, Ron and Hermione don’t speak to one another the whole way. To make matters worse, Harry spots the Green Plastics (i.e. Draco, Crabbe and Goyle), and realizes they must have the class with the Slytherins. Hagrid is waiting for them at the door of his hut,  decked in moleskin. They follow him to the forest and are instructed to open their books. Draco points out that they can’t, because it bites people; nobody disagrees with him. Hagrid can’t believe nobody figured out that you have to stroke the spine. Draco is mean about it, Hagrid looks hurt, Harry tells him to knock it off.

Hagrid goes off to get “the Magical Creatures.” Draco whines about how Hogwarts is “going to the dogs,” how his father will have a fit, but personally I think Lucuius would actually approve of COMC not being unicorns and magical butterflies. He probably wouldn’t like Hagrid teaching it, though, which is likely Draco’s biggest problem.

Hagrid comes back with about a dozen Hippogriffs, which have the heads of eagles but the bodies of horses. Hold on – a dozen?! Wonder what happened to the rest of them. Maybe I don’t want to know. Hagrid calls them beautiful, but warns that they can’t ever insult them because they’re proud. The Green Plastics are busy laughing, however, rather than paying attention, and Harry can tell they’re aiming to screw things up for Hagrid. Yeah, kids like this are why I hated middle school.

Nobody wants to approach them first, so of course Harry offers, because he’s Harry and that’s what Harry does. Parvati whispers to him to remember his tea leaves, but Harry ignores her, continuing to approach Buckbeak. Hagrid tells Harry to try not to blink, and I immediately imagine him saying, “don’t blink. Blink and you’re dead.” Yes, I know, wrong series. 

Harry takes a bow, and to his surprise, Buckbeak bows back. Harry pets Buckbeak, and everyone applauds. Yay, Harry didn’t get eaten, eight year old ballet students didn’t drop books off their heads, there will be more Harry Potter books!

Hagrid says that Buckbeak might even let Harry ride him, and tells him to just climb up without pulling his feathers out. The flight is nowhere near as exciting as it was in the movie; Harry feels nauseous and uncomfortable, and the flight lasts about a minute. This version is more realistic, but I can see why Cuaron chose a more… cinematically appealing approach.

Harry’s success is inspirational, and everyone runs towards the Hippogriffs, except for Neville, who keeps running to and then away from his. Harry watches Ron and Hermione practice on the chestnut Hippogriff.

Draco gets Buckbeak, and instantly insults him by calling him a “big ugly brute.” Draco’s going to learn two very important lessons this week: Don’t insult a man’s Mum, and don’t insult a Hippogriff at all. Draco gets attacked(ish), and curls in the grass, screaming that he’s dying. Hagrid carries Draco away, and they all decide this means class is dismissed. Pansy is crying and saying that Hagrid should be fired. Way to be dramatic.

Hermione expresses some concern for Draco, but Ron is more worried about Hagrid as he knows this is the perfect way to get him into trouble. You know, I don’t want to go into a Kloves/Cuaron rant, so I won’t, but it is a shame that Ron was written as being an idiot in the movies when he really does have these moments where he’s the one who explores all the options and possibilities. Yes, Hermione’s pragmatic, and in this case a bit more empathetic towards an injured classmate than Ron appears to be, but Ron is also considering the problems this may pose for their friend. 

Time passes, they eat, nothing really interesting to recap here… finally they can see that Hagrid’s light is on, and Ron says if they hurry, they can probably make it without breaking curfew. Hermione’s not sure it’s a good idea for Harry, but Harry points out that Sirius hasn’t gotten past the Dementors.

Hagrid’s drunk, and says he hasn’t been fired yet, but that with Draco it’s only a matter of time. We learn that Madame Pomfrey did all she could, but that Draco claims he’s still hurt and in agony. The school “governors” have been informed, and have already decided Hagrid should have started with “flobberworms” or something. The trio assure Hagrid that they’ll stand up for him, and Hermione leads Hagrid outside so he can stick his head in a water barrel and sober up a bit.

Hagrid thanks them, and then realizes that Harry’s there for the first time. He yells at Harry for wandering around after dark, at the trio for letting him, saying he’s not worth that.

_Next installment: Snape, you son of a prince._


	4. Chapters 7&8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape, you son of a prince.

**Chapter Seven: The Boggart in the Wardrobe**

Draco doesn’t show up until they’re halfway through Potions, and it’s a mark of Snape’s favoritism that he gets away with it. Snape would normally give you detention for being late, and if you pointed out that you were in the Hospital Wing, you’d get two detentions.

Pansy asks her sort-of boyfriend if it hurts; instead of pretending to be a macho man, Draco plays wounded ferret. Okay. Well, it does work for the impending trial…

Ron is forced to help Draco cut up daisy roots because Draco’s arm hurts. Ron chops them up angrily, and Snape makes him switch roots with Draco. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am with him on that one. JUST that one. But it sucks if you’re the narrator’s best friend. Draco gets Snape to make Harry skin his shrivelfig.

This is obviously just so Draco can taunt them in peace, which he does, saying Hagrid’s bound to be fired. He then asks if his arm will ever function the same way again. Harry says Draco’s just doing it to get Hagrid fired, as though this is a revelation. Draco says that’s partly it, but there’s other benefits, such as having your sort-of girlfriend sobbing over your arm.

Neville is, of course, having trouble with his potion; Snape asks Neville why he’s such an idiot, and says that Trevor will be fed the potion at the end of class, and they will “see what happens.”

… Holy _shit,_ Snape. I don’t care if your father was a drunken asshole and the girl you had feelings for died married to a man you hated, that’s low. Not that I didn’t remember this scene, I did, but it’s pretty disgusting even having read it a few times now. Though it’s possible this was an empty threat and nothing too harmful or irreversible would have happened.

Hermione offers to help Neville in secret, and in the meantime Seamus says a muggle spotted Sirius, but that by the time the MoM got there he’d vanished. I want to read that fanfic.

Ron doesn’t like the sounds of this, but Draco sure does. He asks if Harry’s trying to capture Sirius, and says if it were him, he’d be out there looking for Sirius. Which makes me wonder how much the Malfoys really knew. Did Narcissa always know Sirius was innocent? Or was that just icing on the cake when Voldie/Peter returned? 

When Harry is oblivious, Draco realizes he doesn’t know, but continues to taunt him anyway. Harry asks what Draco’s talking about, but Snape interrupts to “warn” them that there’s only a minute before it’s time to test Neville’s potion on Trevor.

Harry asks Ron what he thinks Snape meant, and Ron assures Harry that Draco’s just trying to make him do something stupid.

They gather around to watch Snape feed Trevor, the Gryffindors looking fearful and the Slytherins excited. Trevor turns into a tadpole; Snape looks disappointed and pours enough drops on Trevor for him to reappear full grown. He takes five points from Gryffindor because he knows Hermione helped Neville cheat.

Ron seethes all the way back to the entrance hall, and asks Hermione why she just didn’t lie. That’s when they realize she’s not there. They spot her panting and running up the stairs. Ron asks how she’s doing that, and Hermione makes up a story about having to go back for something. Ron notices all of Hermione’s books, and points out that she doesn’t need them. After Hermione runs off, he asks Harry if he thinks she’s hiding something. No shit, Sherlock.

Remus enters the Defense Against the Dark Arts class after everyone’s arrived. Remus is still shabby but looks healthier, as though he’s eaten a bit more. 

He tells everyone they’ll only need their wands, and leads them out of the room.

Peeves has put gum in the keyhole of the staff room, and starts singing at Remus, calling him “Loopy loopy Lupin.” Everyone’s shocked that he’d be rude to a teacher, and are even more shocked that Remus just smiles back. Remus politely asks Peeves to remove the gum, but Peeves won’t, so Remus points his wand at Peeves, shouts “Waddiwasi,” and the gum goes down Peeves’s nose. Apparently Remus is still his Maraudering self.

Everyone is impressed, but it only lasts for a minute: Snape is in the room, and you know, I almost think Snape knew just where Remus was headed and suggested Peeves did it. Except I can’t see Snape having enough sense of humor. Anyhow, Snape is sitting in an armchair, and tells Remus to leave the door open because he’d “rather not witness this.” Snape gets up and leaves, but not before telling Remus that Neville can’t do anything difficult unless Hermione’s helping him.

Because Remus is awesome, he calmly says that he’d been hoping Neville would help get them started, and that “I am sure he will perform it admirably.”

The wardrobe wobbles, and Remus assures everyone that it’s “just” a boggart. Remus explains that boggarts like dark, cold places, and he’d asked Dumbledore to leave this particular boggart in the wardrobe so his third year students could do it. Remus then asks if anyone knows what a boggart is, and to no one’s surprise, Hermione explains: it’s a shape shifted that takes the form of a person, thing or situation that will scare the shit out of you. Except not in those words.

Remus asks Harry if he knows what their advantage is, and Harry has a hard time thinking of an answer because Hermione is almost literally jumping up and down with her hand raised. Oh, Hermione. Harry reasons that there’s so many of them, it won’t know what shape it should be.

FFP: This is so sad.

Me: Why?

FFP: Hearing Harry’s voice must have been like hearing James’s voice.

Me: … righty then.

Remus says that what really scares a boggart off is laughter, and that to make yourself laugh, you have to turn it into something funny. The magic word is “Riddikkulus!” Yay, more fake, pun!Latin. If a little brilliant. 

FFP: It's Siriusly riddikkulusly bryliante.

Remus calls on Neville, who is only slightly terrified. Remus asks who scares Neville the most, and Neville says it’s Snape. I can’t imagine why. Remus asks what kind of clothes his grandmother wears; apparently, something straight out of the 1890’s. (I think. My steampunk friends may yell at me.) She wears a tall had with a vulture on top, a long dress, and sometimes a fox fur scarf. Everyone laughs, and the Boggart wobbles.

Remus tells everyone to think of what scares them the most, then make it comical. Harry’s first thought is a Voldemort returned to full strength, but what really brings him fear is the thought of a Dementor. He actually feels as though a Dementor is in the room. Harry shivers and hopes nobody noticed, but everyone else is a little freaked out, too.

Remus asks if everyone is ready, and Harry has no idea how to make a Dementor less frightening, but they’re already starting so it’s too late for him.

Neville looks pale, but still turns Snape into his grandmother. A snake in old lady’s clothing. Parvati goes up and beheads a mummy; Seamus renders a banshee voiceless (hey, Irish folklore! #Irishpride); the Boggart gets confused (according to Remus) and goes from being a rat to a rattlesnake; Dean traps a severed hand into a mouse trap; Ron takes a spider’s legs off; then it’s Harry’s turn – or was.

Before Harry can do anything, Remus hurries forward. The Boggart turns into “an orb”, or as we’ll find out later, the Full Moon.

Aside: Given how different fans felt Remus was when comparing him in the earlier books to the later ones, I was curious as to whether or not we’d see a bit of the Remus we see in the last two books here. I find it interesting that just in this chapter, Remus has exposed his greatest vulnerability in order to protect someone he cares about. He can’t escape it, no matter how hard he may try, and the werewolf inside tends to surface at the most crucial times.

Neville has to face Boggart!Snape again, and this time he does it a little more bravely. (Another aside: This is solid yet subtle foreshadowing for Neville’s character development.) Remus gives five points to everyone except Neville, who gets ten because he’s awesome. Officially, because he did it twice. Harry points out that he didn’t do anything, and Remus says that he and Hermione get points for answering questions correctly. Remus tells everyone what their homework is, and they leave. Harry is worried Remus thinks he’s weak.

Ron says that this is the best class they’ve ever had; Hermione agrees, but says she wished she’d had a turn. Ron ribs that her fear would’ve been a piece of homework that only got a 9/10. Touche.

 

**Chapter Eight: Flight of the Fat Lady/b >**

(Wow, we’re there already? I forgot how fast the early books move. If this were book seven, Harry would have just gotten on the Knight Bus.) 

FFP: I LOVE THIS CHAPTER BECAUSE SIRIUS IS IN IT AND WEARING LEATHER. 

**Me: … I’m pretty sure the leather part was a fanfic. Also, he's technically not really in it.**

FFP: Darn. 

We find out that in the time that has passed, DADA has become almost everyone’s favorite class, except Draco’s because Draco is a whiny little ferret. Potions, however, is less pleasant because Snape is being worse to Neville than ever. Trelawney still looks at Harry with misty eyes, but has become Lavender and Parvati’s idol, as they apparently now eat lunch with her. God, what has she told them? That they’re going to become famous? Not even the trio like Hagrid’s class. Maybe this is where students not liking Hagrid began – as I said earlier, it seemed to me that he became something of a joke to everyone, not just Draco, with the exception of the trio. Perhaps before he started teaching, everyone saw him as a friendly groundskeeper? I think even Draco's earlier dislike of Hagrid was probably based more on social class, sadly. 

So apparently this is a Quidditch Chapter. I’m not the biggest fan of Quidditch chapters because I’m not a sports person, but I’ll play along. We’re reminded what Quidditch entails and what everyone player’s position is. 

Oliver Wood, the Captain, is urging them to win because it’s their last chance, and more importantly, it’s his last year. He tells them that while they sucked more than ever the previous year, the Chasers chase the devil out of hell, the Beaters are unbeatable, and the Seeker never misses a thing. (Not those words, I just felt like being poetry.) Oliver delivers the last bit with a prideful look at Harry. It kind of makes me wish we’d seen him in one of the last two books. Fred and George tell Oliver they think he’s “very good, too.” If this was a Success Story movie, there’d be inspirational music right about now. 

And with that, more time passes. I've gotta admit, PoA has some awkward transitions. 

One night after training, Harry comes back to see all of the Gryffindors flitting with excitement. The first Hogsmeade weekend – the weekend of Halloween – is here. 

Harry is sad because he never got his permission slip signed, and Hermione tells him that once they find Sirius, he’ll be off the hook. Except the slip still won’t be signed, but okay. Ron suggests that Harry ask McGonagall if he can go now, an idea Hermione hates, so Ron pushes it more. For once, Harry decides something before Ron and Hermione argue the point to a pulp, and agrees to talk to her. 

At that moment, Crookshanks jumps onto Hermione’s lap with a dead spider. Ew. Ron asks if Crookshanks has to eat it in front of them, and even as a cat owner – maybe especially as a cat owner - I’m with him on that one. If I’m with my cat and she starts doing something gross, I don’t just sit there and watch. 

The trio start to do their homework when Crookshanks pounces on Ron’s bag. Ron can’t get Crookshanks away from it, and Hermione screams at Ron not to hurt him. Ron whirls the bag (and, by association, Crookshanks) around, and Scabbers - 

FFP: PETER! 

>Me: - flies out. Crookshanks chases Scabbers, and Ron screams, “catch that cat!” That's original. 

Ron and Hermione get into an argument; Ron thinks there’s something wrong with Crookshanks and that Crookshanks has scared Scabbers to near death, but Hermione thinks Ron’s overreacting. So does everyone else, apparently, as they giggle at him helpfully. 

Ron and Hermione are barely speaking the next day, because what’s UST without the T? After Herbology they bump into Lavender, who is crying. Oh, this scene… I’m already cringing 

We find out that Lavender’s crying because she got a letter from home saying that her rabbit, Blinky, was killed by a fox. Lavender says she really ought to have known, because Trelawney told her the thing she dreaded the most would happen on the sixteenth of October. 

Hermione hesitates, and then asks if Lavender was dreading Blinky being killed by a fox specifically. Of course the answer’s no, so Hermione asks if Blinky was old; nope, “he was a baby.” Our tactful Hermione asks how, then, Lavender could have dreaded him dying, and goes on to say that he probably didn’t really even die that day. All the while, Lavender is sobbing. Don't get me wrong, I love Hermione, but she needs to show a little empathy here. At least she didn't point out that Blinky was a bunny, not a baby. 

>FFP: Wait, that's right! What a ditz. 

Me: … you too? 

FFP: Just sayin'. 

Aside: Scenes like these do make me wonder why Hermione has so often been portrayed in fanfiction as a sweet, bookish girl. While I do love Hermione (despite the fact I've been picking on her a little this chapter), she was always very determined to be right and unfortunately, this meant she wasn't always the nicest person. 

Ron tells Lavender not to worry about it, that Hermione just doesn’t care about people’s pets. Ron, this isn’t about you. They don’t talk at all during Transfiguration. Shocker 

McGonagall asks everyone for their permission slips; Neville says he thinks he lost his, and McGonagall tells him his grandmother mailed it to McGonagall personally because “she seemed to think it was safer.” Probably true. Harry goes to McGonagall’s desk, and says his aunt and uncle “forgot” to sign his form. 

McGonagall avoids looking at Harry as she shuffles papers on her desk, and tells him no, not without a form. Harry protests, but McGonagall refuses; when she looks at him, Harry thinks it might be with pity. 

Dean offers to forge Uncle Vernon’s signature, but Harry points out it’s too late for that. Ron suggests the Invisibility Cloak, but Hermione reminds them that Dementors can see through them. Percy tries to be helpful by pointing out that apart from sweetshops, joke shops, and the Shrieking Shack, Harry’s really not missing a thing. Oh, Percy. 

Breakfast the morning of Halloween is depressing, to say the least. He walks his friends to the entrance hall, gets made fun of by Draco, and when he goes to the Common Room, he’s greeted by Colin Creevey, who invites Harry to sit with his friends. Colin has friends? 

Harry leaves the Common Room, gets yelled at by Filch for existing, keeps walking and hears someone calling his name: “Harry?” 

Remus is peering from his office door, and asks Harry what he’s doing in a far more pleasant voice than Filch. Remus asks where Ron and Hermione are, and I love that the trio are so close other characters are surprised when they’re not together. Upon realizing Harry got left behind, Remus invites him to look at the grindylow he just obtained for their next lesson. A grindyow, we learn, is a water demon. Huh, I hadn’t remembered demons being in the HP ‘verse, though they’re not exactly Joss Whedon demons. 

Remus offers Harry tea, and makes a joke about tea leaves. Harry is confused because Teachers Never Talk. (They live in their classrooms, didn’t you know? Although I guess at Hogwarts, they… actually kind of do.) Remus asks Harry if he’s worried, and being the Gryffindor he is, Harry half lies and says no. Harry then considers telling Remus about the black dog he’d seen at Magnolia Cresent, but thinks better of it. 

FFP: NO OMG HARRY NO NO TELL HIM! GO BACK AND TELL HIM! *FLAILS* 

Me: … easy. It’s just a book. 

FFP: Never say it's just a book again. Ever. EVER! 

I have to wonder how things would have turned out had Harry told Remus that he'd seen Sirius (or rather, "a large black dog that was staring at me intently.") Would Remus have told Dumbledore? Would Remus have wondered why he didn’t hurt Harry and start questioning the whole picture? I’m sure there’s a fanfic that ponders this very question out there somewhere. 

Remus can see something’s bothering Harry; Harry denies it at first, then admits that he still doesn’t understand why Remus wouldn’t let Harry fight the boggart. Remus had assumed Harry would know, because why wouldn’t a thirteen year old boy be bothered by the fact that their teacher did something for them? 

Harry tells Remus that he actually thinks it would have turned into a Dementor, which Remus calls wise because it suggests Harry’s greatest fear is fear. Interesting 

Remus finds Harry's fear that Remus thought him weak amusing, but the humor doesn’t last long as Snape comes into the room carrying a goblet – as we’ll find out later on, Wolfsbane. He snarks at Remus (shock) and leaves; Harry tries dropping hints to Remus that Snape might have poisoned it (nice to see Harry has such a high opinion of Snape), but Remus just puts it down and says it’s disgusting. He tells Harry he has more work to do, so Harry goes off. 

When Ron and Hermione come back, they are armed with sweets and stories for Harry. Harry tells them that Remus accepted a goblet from Snape, and everyone is horrified. Yet again we have the theme of misinterpretation and presumed guilt - we’ll later find out that Snape was actually technically helping Remus, but right now, he looks like he might have been trying to kill him. While seeing him as capable of murder seems a little far-fetched to me, he did threaten to kill Trevor, and they say killing animals is usually where killers start. So there’s that, if it’s even true. 

Remus looks quite happy at the Feast, but Snape’s eyes keep flickering to Remus. A million shippers started shipping. 

FFP: Nah, it’s Sirius who’s checking Remus out. From the bushes. 

Me: … moving on. 

The ghosts put on a show, which I find a little… odd. If I were a ghost, I’m not sure I’d want a bunch of teenagers and preteens gasping in delight as I flew through walls. Let me rest in peace, damn it. I’m sure the Bloody Baron, at least, is not a participant. Nearly Headless Nick does a reenactment of his botched beheading, which I wish we’d seen at leasst one of. (This made me think of Monty Python, then I remembered John Cleese played Nearly Headless Nick. The third HP movie should’ve put that scene in, could you imagine? It would be the most epic crossover ever.) 

As they leave, Draco shouts another Dementor joke, but Harry’s too happy to care. They head towards the Common Room, but even without turning the page I know exactly what’s going to happen (or not happen), because I’ve read this book way too much. Nobody can get into the Common Room, as the Portrait’s closed. Percy pushes through, saying that he’s the Head Boy. Oh, Percy. 

Percy goes silent, and everyone else does as well. Percy asks for someone to get Professor Dumbledore, and a moment later he shows up. That was fast. Maybe he really is a Bumblebee animagi. 

The Gryffindors gather a little closer together, and now they can see the problem: The portrait has been slashed, because nobody pisses Sirius off and gets out happily. Strips of canvas are on the floor, and chunks have been torn completely. Dumbledore tells McGonagall (… who appeared out of nowhere, I guess?) to get Filch and search for every painting to see if the Fat Lady is there. 

Peeves said they’ll be lucky, because she doesn’t want to be seen and was crying. Peeves is very happy about this. Dumbledore asks who would do such a thing, and JKR draws a lampshade to end all lampshades (or pun to end all puns, either way): 

"’Oh, yes, Professorhead,’said Peeves, with the air of cradling a large bombshell in his arms. Get it? Because there’s about to be a bombshell?! 

And the bombshell is,... "nasty temper he’s got, that Sirius Black.” 

FFP: But was he in leather? 

Me: *Facepalm* 


End file.
